Guilt

It's overcoming me!  Completely over taking me and I am thinking how much I will regret very soon.   My father just called me a few hours ago.  He informed me that my grandmother was not doing well at all.  She was hospitalized on Saturday and was released today with hospice care.  He also informed me that during her hospital stay all she talked about was my brother and myself - how she wanted to talk to us, see us, and see our children.   Now the guilt is just taking me over!  I feel awful, horrible, and I feel the tears stinging my eyes.  


As a child, I was very close to my grandmother.  She picked me up every single Saturday and took me shopping.   I loved it, she loved it, so it was a win-win situation.  I guess that is where my love of shopping came from.  When my parents divorced, I spent the summers at her house.  We went on vacation together, we went to the pool, we out to lunch, we went SHOPPING - basically we spent every single waking hour together.  

Now, here is where it gets bad - the last time I saw her was ten years ago.  TEN YEARS - someone I saw multiple times a year, that I couldn't wait to see, and spend time with - and I haven't seen her in ten years.  Some of my fondest childhood memories were made with her.  It breaks my heart to even think about it.   What was I thinking?  I wasn't really, time just got away from me.  I got married, was finishing college, going through fertility treatments, then I got pregnant and had Cade at 23 weeks which completely and totally consumed my life.   When I brought Cade home, I refused to go anywhere with him, so when my grandfather died the week after I brought him home, we didn't go to the funeral.  It was too far to travel with a "new" medically fragile baby.  Then of course taking care of my sweet medically fragile baby was time consuming - physically, emotionally, and mentally!   We didn't go anywhere at all!  Time just moved so quickly and I was blind that my grandmother was getting worse and worse.  


I know at this point there is nothing I can do.  I will continue to feel guilty and sad about everything.  I will regret things - like not calling often enough, not sending enough pictures or cards, and not visiting.   All I am asking now is that you guys say a small prayer for my Memaw.  Pray that when the time is right she is able to pass peacefully.